A few wishes for Christmas!!!!!

“If wishes were horses then beggars would ride,
If turnips were watches I would wear one by the side”

There goes the old proverb, but hardly does the moral of the old proverb ever teach us anything, for we can’t stop wishing do we? So here’s a few of the things top on my wishlist…
I wish more than anything else I could write well. I really like the way some of my friends put their thoughts into words so coherently.
I wish I had someone to love and love me back.
I have wanted to go backpacking alone before I get married and try atleast one adventure sport.
I wish I was a good public speaker.
I wish I had some talent or maybe all, that has some thing to do with music. Sing, dance or maybe even play some kind of instrument.
I wish I could travel round the world and see those amazing places. Europe is top of my list.
I wish I wasn’t so touchy, hot headed, sentimental, moody and temperamental.
I definitely definitely wish I was more tech savvy.
I wish I could get wet in the rain whenever I wanted to.
I wish I had more life skills like bicycling, swimming and driving!!!
I wish I could bring home a dog.
I wish I was better at time management
I wish I wasn’t so lazy.
I wish I was more constructive.
I wish I was more diplomatic and could get myself out of sticky situations.
I wish I had a job that would pay me for experiencing the finer things in life like maybe a travel anchor or a food critic or a model!!!!

Well that’s all that I can think of right now…

On love, marriage and a contemporary film …...

I happened to see “Revolutionary Road” the other day. A film by Sam Mendes ( of American Beauty fame) always raises your expectations. His films have always been known to be out of the ordinary and touch that human chord. It’s a rich cinematic experience, watching his movies. Revolutionary Road is a worthy successor to American Beauty, not at one moment failing to disappoint his fans cinematically or otherwise. It was a pretty intense movie I must admit ( as was American Beauty)- so serious that there was a time; pre - interval that I almost felt like getting up and walking out halfway. Its not that I don’t like intense drama; infact I look out for movies that are thought provoking and move you inside in some way but I guess the recent slew of intense movies (by the average cine-goer’s standards) that I had watched got a little into me. But nevertheless I’m glad I sat through it.. the story telling grew better… and the pace picked up after a few dramatic and unexpected turns. However it not the merits of the film that I want to discuss here… it’s the subject of the film… a take on the post marriage life of a suburban American couple in the 50’s.The setting may have been in the 50’s of a suburban Connecticut but there is a certain timeless appeal about the theme, in the sense that we are still trying to find that magic element in our lives… trying to find that perfect balance between our professional and personal lives, the balance between our needs and our ambitions, between who we aspire to be and who we are… existential angst …is that what it is called in the more refined and erudite circles?


I’m pretty vocal and unabashed about my feminist leanings ( my guy friends would vouch for that) sometimes even to the point of coming across as too strong and offensive to most people. And that is why I am surprised at the reactions that this film evoked in me. Cause in some unexplainable way my sympathies lay not with the female protagonist who seemed to suffer and have a poetically tragic end but with the male who survives to live a painfully miserable life of grief, anguish, loneliness and even regret to a certain extent. I know most feminists who have seen the film will probably say I am not a true bred here…cause it was April Wheeler ( the character played by Kate Winslet) who leading the drab life of a homemaker trapped in a stifling marriage to Frank and having to seek passion outside the confines of her marriage eventually aborts her child towards the climax of the film that deserves the viewer’s compassion. I am not being judgemental here saying April Wheeler didn’t suffer or didn’t do enough to save her marriage or bring about a change in the quality of her life. That was far too obvious .But somewhere I did feel her part of the play in making that marriage work was somehow not enough compared to Frank..

But like I said I don’t want to come across as judgemental… I not married as yet and I have no experience to make comments on something I don’t have the remotest clue about. But some wise people who are married …. some for a short while… others longer than that, say- marriage essentially means COMPROMISE. That’s sad…. Or is it really the truth? Does the secret to making a marriage work really means sacrificing, making compromises or like one of my wise friends said….. sometimes you just have to take a backseat.. after all marriage means coming together of two people.. so both the people really can’t have their way all the time. But what if that taking a backseat means compromising with who you are…letting go of what your dreams are. Don’t we live for our dreams? I mean if we let go of our dreams … then what is the purpose of this life? Somewhere along the film I knew April was right in pursuing her dreams and wanting to start life anew even though it was a highly risky proposition. Yet my heart also went out to Frank Wheeler, he was a practical man who chose a stable though unsatisfactory job to support his family, an honest man too, who inspire of his momentary affair with his secretary came back to his home and confessed that to his wife coz he loved her. In another time and place a man doing the same would be completely inexcusable for me and in the film I felt no grudge against April Wheeler for not reacting to it cause she had ceased to love Frank. But in the very context of the film and the circumstances I felt April was too idealistic and selfish a woman… As an individual I can empathise with her sense of frustration, despair, loss, helplessness, but as a woman….. I surely feel she was selfish … she was a mother of two….. pregnant with the third. She had a loving supportive and caring husband who was wiling to make sacrifices (or as some might even say he didn’t have the b@*^s to be man enough and make the right choices). Yet April couldn’t come to terms with her mundane life.


I feel a sense of disbelief at my own reactions at this movie. Faced with a strange dichotomy at the possibility of having to face something similar in my life, would I let go of my career or hobbies for the sake of a successful marriage or kids. What if the passion in my marriage died down and both me and partner turned out of the confines of marriage to seek love and fulfilment elsewhere. Would I continue to be in that marriage? I know most women make these choices everyday of their lives….. I admire them for the strength and ability to make these choices… and I hope and pray that I find the strength to make the right decisions at the right time without ever feeling I compromised … especially when it comes to LOVE and MARRIAGE.

A few thoughts on Republic Day….

Its strange how we take Republic Day and Independence Day so for granted…..like just another date in a calendar. We go about our ways… mechanically, with a clinical coldness and indifference that would put even a robot to shame. Or maybe some of us actually look forward to it; but just as another holiday…. like it was this time… an extended weekend. To tell you the truth I am just one of those people.

I am not saying it is the same for everyone… (and thank God for that) … but for most of us ordinary citizens who belong to the middle class we have far more important things to think about then to remember some date in history some 60 years ago. Umpteen questions about our daily life cloud our minds- like what the recession will bring for us… … is my job safe or will I be handed out the pink slip… am I going to get my salary by the end of this month… where am I going to get the money for the next EMI. .. can I even afford to have a small 2 bedroom house in this sky rocketing real estate prices?

I am no different. With every passing year I used to look forward to these two “National Holidays” as just that-holidays. I had studied in missionary convents all my life where not much was done about Republic Day or Independence Day. All that I had learnt about my country, its Independence and the fact that it became a “Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Republic in 1950” was from the Social Studies books that some highly unimaginative fellow from NCERT had written. And they were just that….heavy sounding words that were just meant to be roted, crammed into your memory and reproduced in exams at the end of the year. College was the same. Only the intensity of these heavy sounding words increased coupled with some more names that were alien to my mother tongue, and whose names sounded like Greek to me (literally!!) and I could barely spell or pronounce-Socrates, Aristotle, Herodotus, Rousseau (the last one was French I know!)

And so the years passed. When I started working a couple of years back I was expected to be present at office celebrations and since it is a PSU it was mandatory. I started to loathe these official functions; trying to avoid going there by finishing off the requisite arrangements for the functions beforehand and thus managing to enjoy the “holiday”.

I don’t know what changed this year. Maybe a sense of despair or was it hope…? The last one year hadn’t exactly been great for the country. With bomb blasts in every major city of India; the memories of 26/11 still fresh in the minds and the New Year literally beginning with a bang in my own home town Guwahati (there were bomb blasts on the 1^st of January, 2009) there was not much really to celebrate Republic Day.

But like the old saying goes…..When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I guess it is the undying spirit of the common man in the face of these adversities that have kept all of us going. And yes all hope is not lost, after all hadn’t it been for those brave men in uniforms who laid down their lives….. the nation would have been held ransom by some of these monsters!!! So just this one time I went to see the Republic Day parade today to see the kin of these slain heroes receive a posthumous Ashok Chakra.

I must admit that I feel so ashamed. Inspite of being in the capital for 5 years I had never made an attempt to either attend the Republic Day or the Independence Day functions. And this inspite of the fact that I have close friends in the “defence” who could easily have arranged VIP passes for me if only I had wanted. It was also such an eye –opener -to see that those multitude of people who walked such long distances from Maulana Azad Road to Rajpath were not the young and healthy but the very old and the very young. Most of the people were also not the upper middle class or the elite of the society but the common man. Their enthusiasm was remarkable.

It’s a weirdly humbling feeling- to witness the R - Day parade, and at the same time it makes your heart swell with pride. To witness the platoons of soldiers from the different contingents march in rhythmic progression, to gape with wonder and awe at those indigenously designed yet highly powerful and technologically advanced missiles, to admire those taut and brave men who guard our frontiers, to cheer the tableau representing the unique culture of your state, and to laud those children whose bravery and heroism are far beyond their years….. its a kind of pride I had never felt before and I have no words to express.

I don’t know if this enthusiasm will last until next year ....or I will be caught up in the multitude of problems regarding roti , kapda or makaan… but until then…..

Maa Tujhe Salaam…

Sorry…..

I
Why is sorry the hardest thing to say?
Don’t know why it is so?
I am trying to say sorry here…
Don’t judge me before I even begin to say….
Hear me out just this once…
I know you are angry.... and justly so….
I have made mistakes … I know….

II
You have been my wings when I needed to fly,
And yet I left you behind when I wanted to soar
I am sorry for that….
You were the wind in my sail,
And yet I left you in the stormy sea
I am sorry for that….
You have been my strength when I was weak,
And yet I looked the other way when you needed me
I am sorry for that…
You have been my solace when I was down,
And yet I left you alone when it was my turn
I am sorry for that…
For thoughts that have hurt you inside
For words that have cut you deep
For actions that have made you bleed
I am sorry for all of that…

But most of all
I am sorry
For having to let you go….

Waiting….

It’s been a long time….
Since you went away…..
Aeons it seems…
Since I saw your face
Kissed your lips…

Was in your city the other day,
And the memories came flooding back…
You and me coccooned from the world
Me a girl of eighteen and you a boy of twenty…
Life seemed a breeze…
Dreams in our eyes and love in our hearts…
We made promises…
And took vows
Of being together forever and a day
Of love eternal
You and me hand in hand
The love we shared and the dreams we dreamt….
And then you left…

You are gone now
And I wonder if its still me…
Dreaming the same dreams..
Renewing the same vows…
Wonder if I will see you again
In this life ….. or another …..?